Dear Thighs,

I've noticed your hard work lately in trying to hold my pants up by expanding your girth, however, this is not your job. Your job is to remain slim and trim and to look awesome. While I appreciate your effort in going above and beyond, it's been a while since I remember you doing your job. Please leave it to the belts.

Sincerely,

Self-esteem

Compliment: You're Doing it Wrong.

Today I was standing outside my classroom door, greeting my students, when a colleague approached me and said, "Wow. You look comfy today." To which I replied, "Wow. That doesn't sound like a compliment." (I know, sarcastic, but c'mon!)

She then started to backpedal. "No, no! I like your pants."

Yeah. And you look fat in that dress.

What's in a Name?

Today, while babysitting at Jazzercise, one four-year-old girl said to a five-year-old boy, "Is it OK if I just call you Trevor? Cause I don't know your name."

I'm all for this. Let's not bother with asking. Let's just pick names for people. You- you look like a Denise.

I'd Like to Give a Shout Out...

To Community America for their fabulous automated voice system. But first, I will credit them for calling and checking on my "suspicious account behavior". No, really. Thank you. Having had my identity stolen before, this is much appreciated.

However, the system they have to check the transactions leaves much to be desired. Somehow, just from the phone you call from, they can identify your account. Then you enter your last 4 digits of your SSN. And then comes the robot with the Asian accent.

First the regular robot says, "Please verify the last 4 transactions." Then the robot with the accent says something and the date and amount. You are then supposed to verify it. My particular robot said, "Sahltay Eegwanay. August 18, 2009. $10.52." You'll have to imagine the accent yourself. Then you're supposed to press 1 to verify, press 2 if you don't recognize it, press 3 to repeat the transaction.

I had to repeat it about four times before I finally figured out what the heck the name of the business was. And it was only because of the date and then amount. Mind you I was driving at the time so I had no bank statements to look at.

The transaction was for my lunch today. Salty Iguana. That's not what was said. They should really think about some quality control. That robot should be fired for not learning phonics.

Check Your Battery!

Ever since I was little, people haven't been able to figure out what my name is when I say it. And trust me, it's not because I have a speech impediment or have a lack of enunciation.

My first memory of this recurring problem was when we used to visit Santa every year. I'd sit on his lap and he'd say, "What's your name?" I'd tell him and then he'd reply, "What would you like for Christmas, Katie?" Crap. I knew then I wouldn't get what I was asking for because he didn't know who I was.

As the years passed this problem continued. Everywhere I went and I had to introduce myself people could never get it right on the first try. The first guess is always, "Katie?" No. I try again. Then, "Hayley?" Nope. One more time. Then it's usually some unique name they've come up with like "Kayley". If only they wouldn't quit listening after the first syllable they'd stand a fighting chance.

This is why in college I switched to my "bar name" of Kelly. It solved so many problems. The problem of a) no one could figure out what I was saying in a loud bar and 2) I didn't want the gomer to know my real name anyway.

This morning while working out this same problem arose. Our instructor shouted (over the loud music) to introduce yourself to the person next to you. I did and of course we went through the above routine. I left her thinking my name was Hayley because it was just easier that way.

Jazzercise is kind of like a bar. Loud music, lots of people watching, some inept dancing...I should have gone with Kelly.

Cats

Cats have an internal signal that goes off whenever you are doing a project on the floor that is very cat unfriendly. They sleep all day and as soon as you hit the floor with scissors, glue, and things that need to be placed just so, here they come!

Today I was making a job chart for my classroom and had to lay out letters across the top of my poster board. All day my cats had been sleeping. I mean all day. Couldn't even lift their heads to speak to me as I passed. The second I started laying out the letters they both came down. Of course the letters got messed up, everything got out of alignment. One sat on the materials, another played with the ruler. Sigh.

I remember this happening when my mom used to try and cut out patterns on the living room floor. They just can't help themselves.

Karma

Yes, I've been blog-happy lately. Enjoy.

Those of you who are lucky enough to be my facebook friends may recall that earlier this week my status was that I was, "delighted to find a 9th Pop-Tart in my box of 8."

It really was quite exciting. First I was pissed because I thought they had jipped me and I only had seven. There was one lonely tart in a package, sealed all by itself. Then I counted again and there were four other packages of two. Delight.

After posting this on facebook, most of my friends were happy for me but one naysayer said that it was failed quality control and I should worry. Debbie Downer! I was still ecstatic.

Yesterday I reached into my cabinet to pull out a package of 100 calorie chocolate covered pretzels. This box lives on the top shelf so I just blindly grab and pull down. When I did, I discovered that I had...an empty bag. Mind you the bag was sealed, but it was sans the pretzels. I've been robbed!

So I guess this is Karma repaying me for that extra Pop-Tart. I knew I had to make it up somewhere.