Dear Thighs,

I've noticed your hard work lately in trying to hold my pants up by expanding your girth, however, this is not your job. Your job is to remain slim and trim and to look awesome. While I appreciate your effort in going above and beyond, it's been a while since I remember you doing your job. Please leave it to the belts.

Sincerely,

Self-esteem

Compliment: You're Doing it Wrong.

Today I was standing outside my classroom door, greeting my students, when a colleague approached me and said, "Wow. You look comfy today." To which I replied, "Wow. That doesn't sound like a compliment." (I know, sarcastic, but c'mon!)

She then started to backpedal. "No, no! I like your pants."

Yeah. And you look fat in that dress.